being naked....
Trying to change my life for the better. I need to let my true self shine bright. It will be hard to feed that flame but one day I will get there. (EDNOS BPD Kinky Buddhist and lover)
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about to cry
im having such a bad night. its nights like this that I only have my computer to talk to. well i only have my computer to talk to every night. i dont want to be seen with me any more. knowing that no one wants to be seen with me makes me not want to see myself in the mirror. i needs someone but i dont want to find any one. id rather stick to my computer. my computer cant hurt me. my computer cant tell me things i dont want to hear. but im so alone without my computer.
i want to cry but feel too depressed to cry. does that make sense? i want the world to swallow me. I want to be nothing. I want to be gone from all memory. I dont even want the wind to remember my breath. I am nothing. I need to just be what I am and not fight it anymore. No one can convince me of anything else. no one will even know how i truly feel. unless for some reason they read this blog.
going to crawl under the sheets now. maybe the morning will bring something better. i hope.
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he is gone for the night
So I have spent my day cleaning and organizing. He is gone seeing his friends and their wives. Most of them all spend the night together drinking and shit under the guise of sports related shit. He gets there and proceeds to tell me about how the wives were dispointed that I didnt come and few hours later he sent me another text telling me about how another wife showed up with the baby and now all the wives are off together with the baby. HOw am I suppose to feel about this. I get that he wants to hang out with his friends, but when he gets with them he needs to text me and tell me about people were asking about me and all that shit. But I was never invited to go. He keeps doing things without me. I think he is really embarrased by me. Iv only met one friend. He is making plans with his family to see a football game and he knows how I really want to go to a football game this year. He tells me “You can come if you want too” Well hun i do want to go but I want you to want me there. Im going to make sure he spends as little time with me in public as possible. I dont want him to be emberassed. But yet he wants to marry me, he wants to spend his life with me. I dont know what to think. I should break up with him but where the fuck will I go. I am living with him for fucks sake. O yeah and then there was that thing he told me about how a couple of his friends have made fun of him for the size of girls that he has been with in the past. So that just shows his embarrassment even more. He doesnt want to be made fun of for being with me.
So I wont make him go with me anywhere, wont make him take me out to eat or to a movie, wont make him car pool to school, and I will try to spend every night somewhere else so he can go out with his friends with out having to deal with not inviting me.
So alone, but it is better that way. I get told im amazing and awesome but yet no one wants to be around me. So I guess im not that amazing or awesome. I need to try and be happy alone. If no one needs me then I dont need anyone.
I want to cut so badly tonight. But scars might make him more embarrassed.
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I have gotten very good st pretending. Pretending I’m cool with everything. Pretending noting bothers me. Pretending that I don’t care my mom and sister don’t know me and don’t want to know me… That it’s ok my sister doesn’t want me in her life… That I don’t want to be a part of His personal life and friendships…. That I’m strong…. That I’m secure in my body and skin… That I am a whole person and never feel empty. I’m tired of pretending. But no one seems to want to know the truth. No one will ever know how much I truly hate myself. How I wish I never drew breath. How I just want to die everyday. No one will ever know how much I hurt.
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I’m so depressed. So alone. I really wish I had someone to talk to. I know I say that a lot but I really need that. I just want one person in the world to know me. The real me. And want to know the real me. But I know that is too much to ask.
So I’ll just sit alone. And cry alone. And hurt alone. Like always.
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sorrow and shame
I have realized that I will never be comfterable or relaxed in any place that I live. I refuse to allow too much of my personal stuff to be in the place I live. Like now, I am working on moving in the my boyfriend, and I am already planing for when I will have to move out. Dont bring too many books over…. dont bring any knick knacks….. dont bring anything of personal value… and unpack things in a way that they can easily be packed back up.
I know I just posted this a few hours ago but I cant stop thinking about it. I never want to meet his friends, besides the one that I have already met. I know that they will not like me and they will make fun of Him for being with me. And I am aware of the fact that a lot of his girl friends want to meet me and judge me. Its like everyone wants Him to break up with me. I am worthless I know. And I also know that I am not good enough for any man. I know it is just a matter of time before he finds someone better. He might talk about us getting married and having kids, but in the back of my mind I know he is could easily have these thoughts about another girl.
So many girls want to be with Him. Like just today, we were having coffee and this girl came up to us and started chatting. He knew her from other class, and when she left he told me about how she likes to flirt with Him and how she wants Him to take the same classes with her, and how he use to really like her. I dont think he realizes that He shouldnt be talking about that too me. I guess He might think I am cool with it. I want to feel totally safe and secure with a man, I want to feel like I really dont have to worry about Him and all these girls that want to be with Him.
I am very worried for how these next few months are going to be. I dont want to stop Him from hanging out with His friends, but I dont want to go out with him. There is a big festival coming at the end of September and I know He really wants me to go with Him. But His guy friends will be coming too with their beautiful wives. I wont go. If I go I will just be putting myself on display for insult and jokes. I refuse to go.
I wish I could talk to Him about all this, but if He doesnt seem to care about what He tells me, then why would he care about my problems with what He says. I will just continue to live my life in silent sorrow and shame.
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I know he’ll leave me.
I keep meeting girls the tried to get with him. And to top it off he told me about how one of his best friends make fun of him for his taste in girls, big girls. I don’t want to meet his guy friends. Because I know they will just make fun of me and him for being with me. I hate myself. I’m just going to hide in my world and only come out when he says he wants me. He says he loves me but I highly doubt it will last. Another amazing girl will come along and he will forget about me. I just joined weight watchers. Maybe I can be less ugly for him and he will stay. I hate myself so much.
